When your world comes crashing down.

Aish.. my poor blog is the best place for me to vent everything inside as even twitter is too public for me to say everything out. It feels as thou my whole world is falling apart and i am on the verge of breaking down. Never have i felt so hopeless, so pathetic. Nothing seems to help nor work. its like im back to my secondary school self of locking everything up inside and just giving a cheerful and happy face in front of anyone. That might still be the case now but the more i open up whatever was stored inside, the more horrible i feel. Weak, more prone to hurt and pain, sadness. Everything just engulfs me so easily.... slowly sealing everything back in now. slowly becoming more of an introvert. damn this is bad but what else can i do? The person i trust most and love most is slowly fading away from me. shadows surround everything else i once sought joy in! From having her right by my side at all times, to just looking at her back from a distance and now, losing sight of her real quick... i dont like the way things will go in the future if this keeps up... i dont wanna end up like complete strangers. This really sucks. All i need is just 1 person, to be there whenever i need it, to rely on and to be able to trust completely. Other than that i dont need anyone else at all ;/ but sighhh such person might never exist in the first place.

quite true la hor... talking to this djj. say me not guy one. Well in a way maybe ba? feelings wise more feminine? tsk... emotional and occasional moodswings, definitely got it :( its hard when i wanna reach out to others but they are so hard to trust and temporary in a sense.... and thru out im slowly locking myself in. gosh!!! Life, Studies, Relationship ( love/family ) , and even Finance! all just aint working well for me at all. Im srure mutu gonna hate me for what im thinking of right now but at times like this, such thoughts come so easily and is like the shortest way out of everything. Whats stopping me is just fear, and disappointment to everyone else >< i dont know how to get rid of this feeling... all i know is i wanna drink myself silly. fuck i dont even have sufficient alcohol for me to do that. damn! ;(

wasted day

Boring day is instead boring. Moring went for training. Shot for 1 hr only cause no point shooting so long.. just need get used to the feeling of pistol~ kinda miss my rifle too thou :/ waaa but today got chio bu siaaaaa :o seperated by 1 lane only~ goshhh she is like the high class pretty type. Plus her riflw damn good sia!! But oh well~ see jiu hao. No more r/s for me! Must have self control and kill off feelings in heart....

Wasted the rest of my time away... took a nap too~ somehow djj came into my dream and was kinda weird! Hmmm. Bla bla bla. Was asked about some shooting stuff..... some bloody asshole used np name and dragged shooting club along sia! Not even in the club >< found the name after exercising skills learnt from stalking ^^ hahaaha that bastard is gonna dieeee and burnnnnn!!! Thou i gotta give him credit for his skills :/

Got new songs from mutu and its time to sleep! Tml got course on shooting..6 freaking hours! Somemore we are learning what we already know long ago. But no choice since i wanna shoot under outside club instead of np now... more chance of competition and my goal for nyt!!! Starting from scratch thou... pistolll~

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confusing

Hmm idk how to describe today.. the best i can conjure up is : mood doesnt match the events for today. Woke up earl and had kkm with ash ahma and chester. After that came up to my hse and mj for awhile.. mood wasnt right so tiles didnt come as i wanted it to... after that we last min decide to stop playing and go play pool instead! Tpg joined us for pool too~ That was rather okay la? Then ahma had to leave for sch and she brought us to had free food at SIM cause its openhouse for the school... that was the most cheap stake thing ive ever done considering my character and stuff sia wtss~ tpg went home and the 3 of us went to CSC for bowling... idk what happen to me and my score was damn suck... cnt even touch 90 sia when my usual is like 100+ sian max.... headed home, wash up since we were caught in the rain, nap. Had half meal for dinner before playibg badminton with the usual pro uncles and aunties. Again mood wasnt there so played horribly.... im guessing its my TOTM? LOL! Moody and suckish.. just gonna stone on bed and do NOTHING! no plans for tml too :/

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proj

Week 13, friday the 13th, the day tb09 has 2 projects due. AAA and BCOMM are finally a thing of the past now. All thats left is PMKT! But ive gotta say..  i lost all my motivation for studying already. Its like so freaking boring and the education system is just fucked up! Just take the class participation crap for example can le. Not everyone will have a chance to ask/answer qn. It might be taken by someone else. Not everyone from a group can present cause its just ONE qn. Not logical for 4/5 ppl to do that. Not everyone is outspoken and some just like to shut up and do their work themselves! So fuck the system yo! And this aaa tutor is just the worst. She told us today the class avg for participation is 6.5/10. The fuck??? Aaa is like the module we are most 'enthu' and actively participating and she gives such marks!? Go die la..

On the other hand, what pmkt tutor said about our class is very true and i just LOVE this fact : our class is not competitive at all, in terns of grades etc. Not like other classes with gpa of 3.8 and above, always competing. Yes so smart so what? Want first place so what? No life sia seriously! If everything in your mind is studying and acheiving top grades == life is much more than having a screwed up system judge your level of intelligence. No freedom at all!!!! Fuaaaa~

aiya now away from sch, tml gonna mj with usual ash and ahma. This time adding chester ^^ gonna be awesome! Gonna skip shooting even when they asked me to come cause got some cca doing video promotion for shooting... lol sorry ahh publicity and selfpromotion is just not my style :p hahaaha sunday is mutu's dance comp le!!! all the best to her even thou i wont be going to support her this time round :/

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ill

Past few days was horrible as i had the sick-package. Fever + running nose + cough + sore throat and bonus : stomach problem. Was basically down on bed for the whole of sunday and monday. Took so much effort just to get up to even sit infront of com to watch shows or stuff.. body getting weaker as i grow older. Sighhh!!!:(

Today was my turn for table topics and i did rather bad la i guess? B only... didnt know what to speak but yea forget it la. Didnt expect much anyway. Currently otw home cause fever like back and too unwell for lect. Kept coughing and making my throat hurt even more la damn it!!:( feels bad for skipping so many lect for the past week and now.... gosh its always the second part of the sem after CT my motivational and energy levels drop sia. Damn slack and my pace is too slow now.. need to pick up pace and get into rythmn soon as stress levels are slowly increasing!:(

Yet... nothing seems to motivate me and no goals to achieve. Even if i set one for myself now, its useless as i know its a lie and i wont really aim for it. Looking forward to...... intern? Going out with mutu? Going out with cousins next week? Bcomm dinning etiqutes(?) ? Holidays? Yea thats about it.. gotta alight from bus too just nice sia the timing! Go back eat and sleep. Really more oink oink for past few days O(oo)O

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Spent ytd's night doing up the card, pmkt tutorial and som project ;/ did until 1am so morning was so freaking shag and cui lorhhh...The card i made so substandard sia wth. unhappy with it but no choice la..  bcomm was so slack and boring. Got back our telephone and letter writing assessment. FUCKING FAILED MY TELEPHONE ASSESSMENT!!! GOT A FREAKING 2.5/10 but luckily its only 5% ~ 2hr break was spent eating and doing SOM project again ;( PMKT likea shit as usual only but good thing this tutorial was short and easy so that woman released early.

Chionged to SP straight after lesson and waited for mutu to end her lesson :) went to bugis and bought tickets to The Amazing Spiderman first before having Astons! :D hehe so fun and nice to just look at mutu use fork and knife to get the corn out of the thingy sia!! HAHAHAH!!! ^^ baked potato as awesome as ever muhahaha. Movie was good too despite it being a remake from the original. The duration was so long siaaa~ sat there until my ass pain and my hand feet went numb from the coldness ;( mehh~ pei-ed mutu mrt back before going home. Going out with mutu is always so fun and relaxing no matter what activities we had together. A simple and movie can always be worth the time especially with the right person! Can never experience such feelings with anyone else sia... go out with so many different ppl le but sigh.... is mutu really the only one??? ;/ haahaha she now has her dance partner jio-ing her.... wonder how long she can keep the thought of staying single :( AND SHE AND HER WEIRD IDEAS! SIAO AHHH I WHERE GOT THE FACE AND FIGURE TO GO JOIN DANCESPORT?!?! my whole body will break sia! yes i wanna be able to dance with you but i just guess its too impossible. you already dragged daniel to join to thats even worse... see his face will already make my blood boil pls? tsktsk....

aiyaaaa just gonna watch my anime and running man later on~ tml not sure if i wanna pon PMKT lect anot cause go sch for 2hr only likea waste time siaa...