Xiao update

Havnt been posting recently cause I'm back to my habit of penning my personal thoughts down instead. Find that writing is more meaningful when it comes to the more private stuff which I don't really wish for others to know about.

Yes, everyone has secrets. Some had more than others, while others have deeper darker ones than some. For me, I guess I'm pretty much an open book? No personal secrets that I know of. Its just that I don't really like sharing the more private and personal side of my life with ppl that's all. That sounds like secrets eh? But fk it it isn't to me can already!

Works a bore as usual. Glad that there was a pay increment though it's not really a lot. Already spent more than the $80th pay raise today on food. Oh glourious good food what would I do without you! Bread Street Kitchen is reasonable priced considering its a celebrity chef restaurant? 48 for a 3 course set lunch. The food was damn unique I swear. Starters, mains and even desserts were all smt new to me. The taste was complicated yet somehow moulded together so smoothly that it seems as though it was like dark soy sauce to chicken rice.

Enough about food. Getting hungry just by thinking about it gosh. Anw honestly there isn't much really. Ppl enter my life, ppl leave my life. Its part and parcel and I can't control it. I can't be the one always putting in effort right? So if I find that you are not worth it in times to come, you can just say goodbye to my presence eh.

S.S.D.D.

It's getting boring recently. Especially with my current work type and schedule. Same Shit Different Day. And that repeats every other 2 days. Though this way, my remaining NS liability is cut by half, it's just damn boring cause of the nature of our work : security... On usual days nothing happens which is a good thing security wise, but it's freaking boring. When shit happens, it really drops like a bomb.

Bonding well with my guys, been noticing a improvement in general. Must thank my upper study for fucking up and giving me a tough time trying to bring this team tgt. Sometimes, the difference a leader and a follower is just about their way of thinking. Leader teaches, forgives, sacrifices for his guys. A follower just do as told, running on auto pilot and usually has a selfish mindset. That's what I hate the most now.. Having a selfish mindset,  caring only about yourself at the expense of others. Seriously fucked up lorh.

Off duty days are so boring when I don't go out :/ nua whole day, just play games or watch show while snacking. Want to go out enjoy but dont know who to go out with and running low on money for this mth thanks to that new savings policy I just bought. On another hand, the policy my dad got for me expired and just handed over 50k to my name :D WOOHOO. But honestly, I'm just like meh... 50k? Orh okay lorh. Don't touch it for now. Geez think I reincarnated wrongly uh. Past life too rich but now born in a middle classed life. Oh well can't complain that much cause it's a comfortable life. Occasionally luxurious but constantly comfortable.

How I wish I can go out with you more frequently instead of having this stupidly long cool down period wts. 3mths is honestly way too long considering the amt I miss you. 

P.s. OMG MY HAIR. WAY TOO UNACCEPTABLE FOR A NSF

Hazy

Honestly, I find my life similar to Singapore's weather now : hazy. Unclear, erratic and occasionally a pain to deal with. Feels as though I've lost my purpose in living. No motivation, no goals. Just living day by day, killing whatever time is available. I feel... Empty... Like a hollow shell, a puppet if you must say.

With that said, I'm losing my joy again. Yes I may seem happy all the time, enjoying my "carefree" 少爷 life, but it's all just a facade. Temper is becoming bad, patience is at a all time low. Worst of all, the negative mood swings are more frequent recently. I have no idea what is going on with me. It suck and I want it to change but I have no idea how! Just turn back to my sec sch style of being emotionless? I want to but I don't wanna make my friends worry for me. This is life being fair to me right. Balancing perks and downfalls.. Having to live a comfortable one but with the lack of stable emotions.

You know what's the best way to kill a person mentally? Giving him hope when he actually has none at all. And when reality hits him with full force in the face, it's just that hard to stand up again.

I wanted to say all these out but couldn't bring myself to. All I could was to try and enjoy whatever moment I could, look back at those happy memories in times of sadness. Even so, sometimes I would accidentally look too far back and remember those hurting memories that killed my heart. Forever.

Retail therapy didn't really work for me in the morning, but late dinner and desserts did make me forget those unhappy stuff for that moment when I was with panda. Thankful for those friends around me. Those that can lift my mood instantly when I'm with them.

Unfair

人生为何如此的不公平呢？

我上辈子是不是有做错了什么，所以上帝才会这样处罚我、用爱情来玩我。

我已经快撑不住了。再这样下去，我可能会把所有的爱情放弃掉，再也不相信它了。

对，我知道我白痴，会那么痴情，爱上一个我配不上的女人。

虽然我们有过美好的回忆，但那些回忆现在折磨我到无法再爱上别人的地步。

我如此的真心、努力，但这八年来，唯一有的变化就是我们的距离好像越来越远了。

八年了。。。

现在的我们 ：我可以对全世界不好，但我一定好好的对待你。

但你呢，就是我的相反，对全世界好，就只是对我不好而已。

你说这样算公平吗？

吃醋、背叛、伤心、生气。你一次过给我那么多不良的感受，你要我的心怎么坚持下去啊！

只要笑一笑，没什么事过不了。

这句是你教我的。我就是跟着这一句来过我的生活。

可是，往年来得问题，没那么简单了。不能笑一笑就把它忘掉。

就像我跟你的问题一样。

我不可能笑一笑就忘掉你。就算我笑得出来，我的眼泪还是会不停的为你而流。

我真的真的不知道我该真么办。猜想我真的无药可救了吧？

Politics

Well, I always thought that my family had no issues, just living our peaceful comfortable life. But there was a catch.. When I used the word family, I meant those staying under the same roof as me. Of course it didn't include my 2 other sis whom were constantly overseas for studies or work or whatever shit I didn't care about. They were away for a good 8 years, I had a good I years of peaceful, quiet, only-child-like life. Well everything changed the day my eldest sis mentioned she was getting married.

Mom bugged me to faster apply leave to fly overseas for a week so I did. But not knowing the procedures I asked the wrong person to get me my leave. Drag drag drag, finally get my leave, yay thought with that, my trip to Japan in Aug is secured. Nooooo, life just loves to mess with me. Was out drinking one night, mom suddenly called and with a serious tone telling me there was issues with the Japan trip and inconvenient to talk over the phone. I was thinking Wtf? Nvm next day morning I asked her what was it about. Guess what? My sis already booked everything from flight to hotel and meals for my parents and not for me (this part I know and understand cause of my leave issue). What was fucked up is she complaining having to make changes to her booking for me is a hassle and I was told not to go. Errr seriously?

Skip to a few days later, today. Mom, dad, 2nd sis all came and talk to me about it, I flared exclaiming how is it my fault... You tell me take leave, I go take. Now you want me cancel cause eldest sis dw make changes to her bookings and thus dw me go. You know how fucked up was it on my side regarding the leave?! I had to constantly disturb my superior on it cause he keep never reply. Now you want me cancel it after going through so much trouble?

At night was when everything blew out of proportions. Started with my 2nd sis telling to be nice, ask my eldest sis directly to let me go jap to attend her wedding and trouble her to make changes to her bookings. Fine I be nice, own blood related sisters wedding. Msged her nicely, she just had to attitude and give me some guailan reply. Tahan.... I tahan and tried to explain the situation etc. She continued to attitude. Just to mention a few examples

- Why didn't I tell her I want to come to her wedding directly and was passed through my mom ; Well I only new of her wedding when my mom told me so naturally all info on my side went to her.

- I wanted to go Japan to attend her wedding or it's just an excuse for me to leave SG and NS for a week ; Erm how does my sis even come up with such things to say to me?

- She assumed that it would be impossible for me to get leave from NS and thus didn't bother to invite me ; THIS. COMING FROM MY OWN SISTER. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?!

Well one thing for sure, I couldn't stand that attitude anymore and I didn't want to argue. I just showed my parents and my 2nd sis the entire convo between me and eldest sis, told them directly, screw her, I'm not begging to go my own sisters wedding, conclusion, I'm not going. Mom said something about my sis attitude to everyone even family members and I just replied, no way I'm going entertain nor accept that attitude she's giving.

To my eldest 'sis' whom I don't regard as a sister anymore. Dream on on receiving well wishes from me with regards to your wedding. I don't care even if my parents ask me to do so. Oh and fuck you too :)

Yiling's 21st

Gosh I really don't know how to start.. Maybe from the very beginning? Thank you for giving me the chance to love you and receiving yours back in secondary school. Those days where the happiest in my entire 20 years of living. I enjoyed and treasured every moment spent together with you. You were the only person I loved so much, and I still hold on to those feelings till now though they may have faded over time.

I can never forget you no matter how much pain and unhappiness you given me every now and then. Still remember the one and only time we actually argued for the first time. And that was nearing my bday in sec 4 if my memories don't fail me. I hope I would never have to go through such an episode with you again cause some things changed back then which were not reverted even till today..

Thanks for inviting me to your 21st party, hope you enjoyed yourself even though I know you are not a fan of celebrating birthdays. Sorry I had to arrive late and leave early due to some reasons. Taking that one photo together with you and seeing you in the prettiest dress ever was all i needed to make my day :) And finally after so long, I got a hug from you eh? Hahah. I want more in the future!! And more than just hugs too Hahahah.

Whatever happens, I will always hope for your happiness in life and you can always count on me to be there for you when you need it! Never regretted having you in my life and hope you still always be an important part of me in the years to come. Love you so much Yiling

4 in a row

Finally, the end of a hectic week, hectic schedule. 4 birthday parties in 4 weeks. One every book out.. Daamnnn. Started with Panda which I've done up in the previous post.

Following which was Shawn.
Glad to have met this bro in poly year 1.1 along with the others such as raf and xs. Poly life would have been very different without them. And how we still keep contact till now? Awesome. Still remember the few bromance session with Shawn, going out for movies... Well yea thats about it. Just movies, 2 of us, nothing much la. Glad that our group is still alive and meeting up occasionally. Though we are all walking on different roads ( commando, guards, mp, sea soilder ) , some tougher than others, I'm sure we would all do well in this 2 years of NS. Operation Mushroom Soup.. Where we put what we learnt into actual use HAHAHA

Next up, Paper! Met her even earlier than Shawn! Though just by a bit cause of the orientation camp. Nothing much to say other than being the most cheerful and sometimes abit bimbotic girl of Mambo 6! All the joys and laughter we had together ~ Glad to have known you and the other members of Mambo 6. Though most of us have split up and don't keep in contact anymore, the happy memories of our time together last forver :)

Finally, Alivia! The reason why our IBSM cliques groupname is 姑娘! Hahahah my one and only overseas trip in poly, the most unforgettable one yet. Scandals after scandal, bastard sessions and laughter throughout the whole trip. That basically sums up the whole trip perfectly. Had a great catch up session with the rest during the party itself :) missed those assholes yet didn't cause of the making-fun-of part. It's complicated Hahah.

Not really an official birthday celebration but whatever : Bonus! TTY. To me, the best birthday ever. The start and the end of the day spent with the shooters of Wssc. Spent the wee hours playing pool from midnight to 2.30am, then bowling at night from 9-11 or so followed by supper till midnight. Had so much fun in a span of 24hrs

Nearing the end

2months into this course, another 1+ month left and we would become full fledged MP sergeants.. Not sure I'm ready for that kind of power and responsibility. Hope I don't screw up too much and for the rest of the parts, just wink it lah Hahah. Tests come and go, it's part of our trainee life. Beats chionging sua, getting dirty and smelly. Consecutive weeks of 4day work week is damn awesome. Sadly this would be the last of our consecutive 4day week. Friday would be going off to Sentosa for course cohesion :D Given a pizza hut and movie voucher too! Awesome ~

Next few weeks of weekends would be hectic too. 3 consecutive weeks of friends birthdays on Sat. Recently attended pandas birthday party. Not really a fan of birthdays nowadays, like nothing much to do and it just seems like another day to me. But still, friends who are celebrating their 21st, how can don't attend?!?! No matter how awkward it might be for me, still must go :) Esp the top 4 most important people in my life. Panda being one of them so yea.

So glad that I got to know you in sec school. Though you rejected me then :/ , I guess it was a good thing? Hahha if we got together and somehow left, I doubt we would be this close till now. Guess long term is still more important than short term. Hope you're enjoying life as much as you can ~ youd always be my precious panda ^^ 

Settling down

More than a month in and I guess I'm settled down to the life here. Everything just seems normal now : normal to be disciplined and on time, etc. Though some assholes still can't mold their life to a way that suits this place, constantly getting scolded is a norm... I wonder if the commanders are tired of scolding us cause even I am tired of hearing that shit over and over again.

Finally got the Marksman badge, and with that I can put on both the Marksman and ippt on my shirt! Didn't want to just put ippt at first as it seems plain. The only 2 badges I most probably would ever get in my NS life is attained, now to just maintain them during my 2nd year.

My bunk mates are messed up man. All bunch of nonsense idiots who never fail to make my day. Laughter from suan-ing or shooting one another, all those burns ~~~ People start 'bullying' one another when they get closer, maybe cause we are too used to one another and able to step out of that comfort zone and just have fun to the extreme.

Meet ups are just the best :) Its nice to keep in contact with friends ive made over the years. Yes, some leave due to the lack of closeness or bec I choose to not keep in contact. But for those that remain, I thank you for being by my side after all these years! You're the ones I cherish the most. Almost as though you are really my family members.

Some things can be forgiven.
Some things can be forgotten.
But not all things fall under both category.

Just tired

Third week of pro term in MP and I'm already shagged out. The 1,3,5 morning PT, the endless hours of lectures on law, and the high level of discipline required. But looking on the other side, all these are way better than chionging sua, having little admin time and weekend burns. Another plus side, camp is just 20min away from home.

Whenever some important things occur on a national scale, MP is always the first few to be activated. And with the passing of LKY, us cadets were activated too. Though it may be a minor role, it was still an honour to be helping out in the procession. Amazed at how some ppl can queue under the hot sun or though the night for 8hrs to pay respects to him. On the actual day, it was a downpour. Standing still for 2hours under that rain, waiting for him to pass by, and for that 30seconds, saluting him before he enters the UCC. Being in uniform and carrying out an actual ops in a public place was a completely new thing and a great experience. Especially when wearing the MP formation badge, highest of standards are expected from us. But still, really touched by the acts of the public :) From helping us shield our bags with their umbrella from the rain, to a simple tap on the shoulder and a thanks for our services, it was all worth it. The most touching was their eyes. When they looked at us standing in that heavy rain without any cover.. Could never forget that sight.

Be it rain or shine, Singaporeans braved the elements to pay respect to our founding father Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Without him, we won't be where we are now, a well developed, safe and stable nation. His passing made me realize things, made me realize things I once took for granted, and how I should treasure them. Thank you.

Moving back to personal.
My running group now consists of a Commando, a Guardsman, a MP and a ST. Elites in our own aspect, performing critical roles and having more respect/power compared to other units. I feel that MP is changing me, in a good way. The implicit things I learn here are being applied to my daily life, which is a good sign.

But still, somethings would never change. The light grows dim once again. Shadows are creeping up to me, closing the distance I gained from them over time. A long time. When would it all end? When would I be truly happy once again? I hope it all comes soon...

Just looking forward to the long weekend this week. Public holiday on Fri, off in lieu on Mon. Awesome!

Pride! Discipline! Honour!
Our motto, what I'm starting to live by.

It's dark in here

Why does life have to be as such.
Being full of surprises positive and negative.
And the only option is to move on.

Why do people have to leave despite having such strong bonds in the past?
Is it because the past don't matter anymore?
Or the changes people undergo is so much it is as though they have rewritten history?

Alone, I shall walk.
Everything was for naught.
Where the wind blows,
I shall follow.
What lies ahead,
I don't know.

Just bring me out of this misery.

CNY + Fieldcamp

CNY is usually my favourite time of the year, cause of all the ang baos and extra money of course!!! Apart from that, it's also cause I get to meet up with ppl whom I havnt seen in a longgggg time : Cousins and friends. But year after year, the feel dies down and I'm less excited for it this year. Its like another 'meh, whatever' holiday (no puns intended) . One thing I hate is my dad. Just because he is one of the biggest, he doesn't go visit other ppl of his family side when they organize a gathering at some other relatives house. Worse still, he make plans to go other places when they are meeting up. Thanks to his stupid pride ego or whatever fuckshit tradition, I can't meet my dad's side cousins. And they are the ones I prefer hanging out with grrrr... Want go also I visit alone. I wonder if he realizes this only just reflect badly on him... And he is some one who cares a lot about his image... Tsk whatever.

Booked out on mon night thanks to the off-in-lieus. I wonder if it's worth it though, burning a full sat to get a half day off. Shit NS does. Out on tue to do some cny shopping. Burned 200 that day on clothes, food and movie. But it was a amount well spent. Enjoyed myself that day :) All good things has to come to an end and booked in on Sun to go for Fieldcamp on mon. Well done SCS school 1. Cny you make me stay in forest for 5 days. Just well done. Only thing to do is just suck thumb and say "that's just too bad" . Fieldcamp COULD have been an easy and relaxed one if not for some stupid mistakes ppl made like leaving their freaking rifles unattended. Once, kena fucked. Next morning, another one, gave chance. Day after, another. Knnccb that one was the last straw. Kena fucked up down left right center upside down sia. Experienced new type of tekan which is so effective. High kneel on those stupid sharp pebbles, rifle over head, fieldbag overhead, 1 shot drink 1 litre of water, push up, run here and there, drink another 500ml of water, repeated for like an hour. Knee almost broke from all the kneeling and shoulders don't need talk la hor. Of all weapons, I carry that stupid SAW which is so freaking burden and heavy. Oh and there was still that wearing FBO to dig shellscrape a.k.a. my own grave. Literally. Shag until cannot shag.

Ex Wanderer is the best activity ever. Basically it's taking a long stroll with my sectionmates around tekong, talking cock and eating along the way. Night one wasn't that fun though since we wanted to rush finish it. The only 2 guys in the platoon who got gold for ippt (me and another sectionmate) went recce-mode. Took turns carrying the signal set and fast march all the way. Others don't have extra weight still falling some distance behind us.

All in all, this fieldcamp wasn't that bad la. Tekans were expected. Lack of rest: less than 5hours everyday for 5days + physically demanding activities everyday. What kept me going was probably my sectionmates and the plan of going out to eat good food with YL after everything was done Hahah. Give me good food and id get things done, my motivation :P

SCS

3weeks in to my SCS, on my 4th with only 4 more weeks to the end of foundation term. No idea which unit would I be posted to for my pro term but I'm hoping it would be a relaxed one :p . Comparing SCS to BMT, I honestly don't know what to say. Having mixed feelings cause I like BMT more even though SCS is considered more Lepak. One thing I hate in SCS, they are freaking inefficient. Always have screw ups on all levels. And some people here really no brain one. Like their brain is just to fill that hollow space in their head with no useful function whatsoever. And there's those in Platoon 1 specifically who have no sense of urgency. Everyone waiting for them and they still dare to take their own sweet time. As if the world owns them a living -.- Pisses me off time after time.

Slightly recovered from my fever 2 days back. Oh it was so horrible. Felt so groggy and lifeless. I even slept on when my Sgt Major was talking to me. Can't help it... Speaking of Sgt Major, he is the most anal commander in our coy. He is the one who punishes us most of the time. Next would be our Master Sgt. He ah ... Cool and chill guy as long as you do your work properly. He is in charge of our platoon, nvm. What's bad is my dad knows him omggg :O He frequents my dad's clinic so yea.. Ggwp to me I guess.

Life is kinda messy in a way, pointless and aimless in a way too. Like I don't have the drive to do anything more at this point of time. Just living day by day, looking forward to sleeping at night and dreading to wake at 4+am the next day... What to do, this is NS. Sigh!

Havnt been meeting up with much ppl recently, just the same old bunch over and over again. But those meet ups are definitely worth it. Colours up my life for that short while before heading back to that dull and boring stage.

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I want yet I can't.

POP

After 4mths it's finally over. PTP and BMT is done in a blink of an eye. Looking back, those 4mths have been hell and enjoyable at the same time. The people were what helped me live through those 4mths be it good times or bad. The bond we shared from seeing each other 5days a week, from morning till night, is something that I would cherish. Kinda lazy to type out everything in details so just gonna give a shorter version.

Commanders: despite fucking us day in day out, I still love them man. They managed to get that balance between tekan and having fun, giving us one hell of a roller coaster ride through that 4mths. Gonna miss seeing them and talking cock from time to time.

Platoon mates: those guys are one fucked up bunch. The amount of nonsense and shit we do, really deserve to get punished. But when we get away with it, the entertainment level is too up there already. Just yolo and have fun only. The new addition to SAF core value : Do whatever you want, just dont get caught.

Time for my long awaited rest. 24km on 2hrs of sleep the night before is no joke. Busted my knees again, was limping through the last 6km. Damn shag also, just closed my eyes and walked. Parade after a short 3hrs nap wasn't enough to bring my energy level back. Know I dozed off and nearly fell over while standing still during the prize winners ceremony. But still, everything leading up to the moment we threw our cap was all worth it! POP LO~

Good bye 2014, Hello 2015

People come and go, but whats important is that you stay true to yourself. Living in the present and looking towards the future. But still, the past is what makes us who we are now in the present. Cannot really remember much but 2014 was pretty good i guess.

• Graduating from Poly
• First time travelling out of Asia to UK.
• Getting myself loads of gifts hehe ^^
• Played my first open tennis tournament.
• Spending crap loads on good food but it was all worth it
• Enlisting into NS (Hmm... can be considered both good and bad i guess)
• Most importantly, living my life the way i want to even though its still lacking that one thing. Oh well ~

I dont need much changes in 2015.

• Just a little more money
• Hopefully a car would be nice
• Travel more even though i am seriously lacking the time thanks to NS
• Hopefully find that one thing im still lacking

See! Its not a lot right? Cause most of my other wishes can be achieved by my first wish : Having more money. With that, i can live my luxurious life of good food and nice stuff. Though ive really been trying to cut down on those recently....Not on my own freewill... WHAT THE HECK CAN YOU DO WITH THAT STUPID RECRUIT PAY OF $480 SIA!! Grrrr ;<

Just want life to go smoothly without much issues. Im satisfied with my current group of friends already and just want all of them to be happy and bonded as always. Maintaining my duel life, the Atas-side and the Wild-side. Need to get my future in check soon. Gonna turn 21 this year. Need to stop relying on parents that much and have a proper goal. Last but not least, that thing im lacking, i guess when the time is right bah? 

林芯儀 - 等一個人

等一個人成為
我生命中的永遠
幸福多麼迂迴 為何沒有發現 愛就在身邊

等一個人帶回
大雨後的藍天
從今之後每一天 每一月 每一年 都心甘情願